There's so much to blog about. Last weekend (i.e. The Busiest Weekend Ever) was crazy--so much to do and see, so many late nights, and OH HELL! inclement weather in El Paso, we're talking thunder, lighting, pouring rain and hail. G. and I found ourselves right in the middle of a flooded road and golf-ball sized hail. It was scary-ish.

We attended the big UTEP graduation ceremony on Saturday, plus a smaller honors ceremony on Friday. Inexplicably, both lasted two hours even though the big ceremony had 700 students and the smaller had, maybe a quarter of that (probably less)--really could have done without the rendition of "One Moment in Time." Ordinarily, I am so sentimental when it comes to stuff like graduations. I can't help but feel excitement and anticipation and pride and a big dose of nostalgia. Even I couldn't sustain that level of mawkishness through two ceremonies, crowds, and hot weather. It did get me thinking, though.

Please indulge me by rewinding, oh about five years to my own graduation, December 2001. I had just finished a really tough semester. I was a teaching assistant who still had about 100 exams to grade and, at the same time, was trying to navigate around my psycho co-TA. I wasn't getting along with my best friend. Actually, I thought we were ending the friendship totally, which is not an easy thing to do after eight years. So that was maybe closing at the same time that my relationship with G. was taking off. A couple of months earlier, I informed my parents that I was moving in with G.--who was in Albuquerque--meaning I was moving to Albuquerque. SURPRISE! Besides that, I needed help moving out of my apartment and then moving up to Albuquerque. DOUBLE SURPRISE! I think all of my earlier kooky antics broke in R. & G. enough to handle this news.

In a nutshell, for me, graduation meant lots of changes. I already knew I was going to graduate school in the fall, so career wasn't such a major worry. Everything else, though, just everything seemed to be different. I felt independent and free, yet had to learn how to become part of a couple. And I was moving, too, and would soon meet new people and be put in new situations.

Let's just say it was like a season finale for a tv show. Some loose ends tied up, a few doors close, doors open and all that.

The Busiest Weekend Ever*

*No joke. I've got one last stack of exams to grade, plus paperwork bullshit to fill out by Saturday. G.'s sister and my cousin graduate from UTEP this weekend and there's a ceremony tomorrow night and Saturday afternoon. Plus, a friend from out of town is visiting. And, it's Mother's Day on Sunday and I need to buy something unique for my mom (actually, forget unique, there's no time! it's pj's again this year!)

I need a nap.

I'm in the middle of finals week, which is actually stressful for me what with all the grading. My college has crazy grade deadlines. All grades must be turned in by Saturday. Problem with that requirement is that I have two finals on Thursday. I guess it isn't a problem if you give multiple choice exams, but no, I've got to give a shit about these kids' writing abilities and so test them with short answer questions and essays. Yeesh.

Aside from grading, everything is turned upside down. G. and I are regularly staying up really late and having to get up early. Mealtimes are random and the apartment is looking cluttered. Filo smells and has turned grey around her paws and tummy. This type of disorder always happens towards the end of the semester. Luckily, we've got a two week vacation to clear and clean things up.

Another drawback is that I'm having a hard time keeping up those positive feelings about myself. Could just be the sleepy V. talking here (or maybe the hormonal V.) Sometimes it stinks to be a woman.

Long Overdue Pictures of Filomena

Do you know what you really look like?

Once upon a time, oh, about four years ago, I was "skinny-fat." Meaning I was relatively thin, wore small sizes, but I also didn't have much of a figure, no muscle tone, did not exercise, and ate whatever I wanted. The skinny-fat status changed after the Summer of Beer (2001) segued into a long, unhealthy fascination with fast food (2002-2006). My level of concern ("concern" is a nice term, it's more like horror) rose along with my weight. One of the worst feelings in the world is when your beloved, broken-in jeans stop fitting. Multiply that feeling with t-shirts, blouses, sweaters, skirts, shorts at home and (gasp) in dressing rooms with bad lighting. Blah.

Oddly enough, my mental body image didn't really change after the twenty or so pounds were added. So it's like I never internalized the changes my body went through. I only recently (like last December) accepted the fact that I have a rather largish bottom (and only after a brutally blunt tia called me--oh this is so embarrassing--nalgonas).

I know it's no surprise that countless American women suffer from a warped body-image. It's a BIG surprise to me that I'm one of them! I'm pretty "with it" on feminist issues. I'm fully aware of how the media distorts and misrepresents women's bodies--I minored in women's studies, for chrissakes'! In short, I should know better.

I think most people don't know what they really look like. It's pretty easy to overlook that bulge in the mirror or ignore that feeling of tightness from clothes (the first hint, really, to either lose a little or move up in size). Maybe that's why so many people dress so badly. One of the quick fixes on TLC's What Not to Wear is for people to chose clothes for their body type. That's hard to do if you don't know what your body type is in the first place. Helps explain the "muffin top" phenomenon.

So just the other day, I found this website while reading a Washington Post article about swimsuits http://www.myvirtualmodel.com/ You plug in your measurements and height, even chose your hairstyle and skintone and wa-la! a virtual model. It's you, or at least pretty close to you. G.'s said my model was accurate. It's not as bad as I had feared, but it also wasn't the image in my head. For example, I thought I had longer legs. Guess not.

As many qualms as I have about this body o'mine, I wouldn't go back to skinny-fat. I'm healthier now: eat less meat, more organic stuff and whole grains, stopped smoking, curbed the drinking. Even my half-ass exercise routine is better than absolutely no exercise routine. It's time to accept Me-Now and put Me-Then away