Babies

I got surprise news yesterday from one of my closest friends. We haven't lived in the same city for about five years now. For being old, close friends, we don't often talk or email. Maybe once a month a quick email or phone call to catch up on things. Still, she is one of my go-to people for instant reassurances, as a voice of reason, and for good 'ol cattiness and gossip.

And now she's pregnant. First time and slightly unexpected.

That news isn't shocking in the old-fashioned way--she's married a year, they dated and lived together close to nine years before that. It's just...wow. For me, this is a big moment, this is an actual child that will belong to somebody I stayed up drinking with until 6 am only a month ago. This is somebody who I can cite multiple examples of irresponsible behavior. Don't get me wrong, she is going to be a really great mom and the baby is going to be beautiful (sometimes they aren't, even though you aren't supposed to admit that).

Like typical me, I can't help but feel a tinge of I'm-not-sure-what. It feels a little sad, a bit wistful. This news comes along with my sister's first pregnancy. There ARE more reasons for my mild melancholy, lest you think I'm longing for a little bundle of my own. This year marks my high school graduation's ten year reunion; I'm turning 29 in November; rather than contemplating life insurance, I'm filling out FAFSA and going back to school; and my parents have become Old People*. So, I'm fighting something that isn't new for me--considering what I am doing compared to what I should be doing at this age, in this stage.

I've always had trouble living and enjoying the Now. It usually is a matter of worrying about the future, dwelling on mistakes, stressing about the details, preparing myself for the upsets. Yet something that is so wonderful as new babies just makes me want to sob. Am I being too sentimental (car commercials have been known to make me cry), or is it ok to allow myself to feel deeply instead of putting it away? Or is it all hormonal??? (I'm partially kidding about the last one).

*Characterized by complaints, grumpiness, cheapness, and always feeling cold (among other things).

Quick bursts of snow flurries came down as I drove home from class today. Snow to me is exhilarating. It won't stick--the ground is too warm. That's no surprise, this is El Paso after all. I hoped to have real, long lasting snow when I moved to Albuquerque, but it never really happened. I have snow memories from childhood--the little snowy hill next to my house in Kodiak that would still create a thrill with a sled, the bigger snowy hill down the street for bigger thrills, the delightful surprise of waking up to a white yard and driveway. I always felt invincible with snow boots and a snowsuit on. Something about all that extra padding.

Two more days of classes, one week of finals and then sweet vacation time. I'm feeling worn down. Despite my vow to go to bed early, get those necessary eight hours of sleep every night, here I am, four months later, working into the late hours. I've heard that there is no such thing as being a "night person" and you can train yourself to be a "morning person." Unfortunately, I'm just not into that early morning bullshit. This is where G. would say we need to move to a country that starts their day later in the morning, just move the whole day ahead a couple of hours. Gotta look into that. I don't think Filo would mind one bit.