The Good and the Bad

About two weeks ago, I received an email from professor D. at UNM. I was D.'s TA one semester for the History of New Mexico course (oddly enough, I TA'd for this specific class almost the entire time I was in the graduate program. I know more about New Mexico than I do about El Paso or Texas even. Go ahead, ask me anything.) D. is also the editor of a history journal and his email requested that I rework my master's thesis for an article in an upcoming issue. Great opportunity, right?! OF COURSE, I responded. Publishing would be a nice bonus to my cv. And it would be really cool to see my work in a journal for the first time ever. Wow. That's the good part.

So I'm supposed to have a version ready by the middle of this week. Although "revise thesis" was #1 on my To-Do list since that email, I don't have anything ready, which brings up something that I've worried about for awhile now. (Yeah, here is the bad.)

The problem isn't necessarily procrastination or laziness. I mean, those two are the definite culprits behind not cleaning my humidifier (on hold for a month), fixing a broken curtain rod (on hold since last year), or filing away old bill statements (on hold since December). It doesn't quite explain how I managed to complete everything else on my To-Do list except "revise thesis." Sadly, "revise thesis" turned into one of those items that float from one week's To-Do list to the next. "Revise thesis" resides right above "investigate graduate schools" (on hold, I'm ashamed to say, two years).

So what is the problem? I think it boils down to fear and lack of self-confidence.

1. I'm scared that my article will need too much revision and won't go into the next journal issue (essentially, I will fail at producing a publishable article).
2. I'm scared that I don't have the skills to write anything that works.
3. I'm scared of misrepresenting my thesis subject and mishandling the research.
4. I'm super scared that I will get so bored and frustrated with the revisions that I won't want to research, write, or revise anything ever again, even though that's exactly the type of work I'll be expected to do when I go back to grad school, which has been the big career plan all along since I left UNM. And if that plan doesn't work out, THEN WHAT THE HELL WILL I END UP DOING????

I've worked out all of these fears in my head, but, again, there's a difference between knowing self-defeating behavior and knowing I need to change that behavior right away. I'm frozen in inactivity--seeking comfort in AMC's weekend marathon of Godfather movies and frozen Snickers. Those two methods of legal self-medicating have not worked (no big suprise).

It doesn't help that the apartment is hot and stuff and the AC isn't cooling properly.

Writing about my fears has helped. Talking with G. helps, too. Unfortunately, the uneasiness is still here.